


Underwater Subway

by henghost



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Drug Use, F/F, Mild Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26492863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/henghost/pseuds/henghost
Summary: Entries from Yeji's diary around the time she and Ryujin become more than friends.
Relationships: Hwang Yeji/Shin Ryujin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31





	Underwater Subway

_ 12 August, 2020 _

I’ve had this diary for like 2 years and I’ve barely written anything in it. When I first got it I said to myself: Yeji, you’ll write in this thing every day. It’ll be good for you. But I guess I kind of forgot about it. I was really busy! Anyway, this year I really will write an entry every day. It’ll be worth it to be able to look at it a year from today and be like: So this is what I was thinking 365 days ago, huh? That’ll be fun. Maybe even when I have kids and they get old enough they’ll wonder what their mother was thinking when she was their age, and I’ll be able to show them this diary.

Anyway today wasn’t very exciting. Maybe I picked a bad day to start. I guess ITZY’s been around a whole year and a half now. It feels like more than that. It feels like it’s been a century since we debuted. But maybe that’s just me. Ryujin said to me it felt like just yesterday she was a trainee. But I don’t know if you can trust her perspective all that much -- she doesn’t think like the rest of us. Then again, maybe that’s why we get along so well.

But I’m exhausted right now (it’s like midnight) so I’ll continue tomorrow.

_ 15 August, 2020 _

Sorry!

I totally forgot I said I was going to do this every day. Plus I was really busy. I guess I’m always really busy. But I’m here now, diary! Any minute now the clock will tick into the next day. It’s late, is what I mean. Long day. I’m sore all over.

Had a strange experience in the afternoon. Back when all the gyms reopened I signed up for a yoga class. Once a week in a little studio a few blocks away from the dorm. And so I had a class today. I should mention it’s hot yoga, so they turn the heat up to like a million degrees when you’re in there because I guess it’s supposed to make you more flexible or something, and by the end it’s like you’re coming out of a pool. But anyway I go to this class and guess who’s there! Ryujin!

I was like, “Hey, you look familiar.”

And she was like, “Yeji?”

And I was like, “Yeah I’ve been coming here for a few weeks now.”

And she was like, “This is my first time.”

I remember she was wearing black yoga pants (I was, too, now that I think about it) and a loose black shirt that stopped just above her belly-button. This really impressed me for some reason. But so we got on our mats and the sinewy guy who teaches the class started showing us lotus position or something. She was right in front of me. And the weird thing was I couldn’t look away from her -- from her back, I mean. The thermometer was showing like a hundred degrees and I couldn’t stop staring at the little strip of skin between her waistband and the hem of her shirt. I don’t know why.

And then so after the class when all the moisture in my body was totally gone I walked home with her. And I think the weird hypnotic effect of her lower back (or maybe just the heat) had switched a flick inside me because I grabbed her hand! She was a little ahead of me and sipping Gatorade and I reached forward and grabbed her hand. She was like, “What are you doing?”

I was like, “Can I hold your hand while we walk back?”

“Why?”

“Because I want to.”

“You’ve never wanted to before.”

“Maybe I’ve changed. So can I?”

“It’s not like I care.”

But I think actually she did care because when people looked our way her ears got a little red. She was right, though, because I’ve really never wanted to do anything like that before. I’m not the hand-holding type. Her hand was all wet from the yoga. Probably mine was too. I’m not generally a touchy-feely person. I will tolerate a hug but I would never initiate one. So it was weird because it was very out of character for me is what I’m saying. Ryujin’s not like that either, but I guess she’s used to clinginess by now with some of the other members (I won’t name names) always being so needy on that front.

Anyway I thought it was weird. Ryujin’s already asleep so I guess I’ll join her.

_ 17 August, 2020 _

It’s like 4 in the morning right now. I just woke up and I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to sleep. I’m sort of freaking out. VERY weird dream. What was it? Well, I’ll tell you, diary, before I forget.

It started out like this: I was on the subway. The car was totally empty (or at least at first I thought it was!) and outside instead of the walls of a tunnel it was the ocean. Out the window I could see these colorful fish and even at one point an octopus. But so then I looked to my left and there’s who else but Ryujin! She was wearing her old school uniform, the one with the cute little bow. She was grinning at me. She was holding a bouquet of tiny pink flowers. Then she stood up and walked over to me. It was weird because the train was going so fast and like shaking, but she just walked over to me like it was one of those moving walkways in the airport. She let the flowers fall to the floor. She sat on my lap and she turned to look at me and I remember distinctly her dream-breath smelled like she’d just drank an entire bowl of honey and then well there’s no getting around she KISSED me! Which was when I woke up. 

So now I’m a little worried to put it mildly. 

I’ve known Ryujin for so long now and not once have I had thoughts like this. It’s like my subconscious slapped me into a whole other paradigm. It’s not like I’m gay or something, right? I don’t know what happened. I feel like I don’t know what I am. Either way I think things between her and I are going to be awkward. This just had to happen on the day of the Comeback, didn’t it!

Do I want to kiss her? Is that what my psyche is trying to say to me? Right now I’m trying to imagine it. Like what if she said to me: Yeji, I want to kiss you. Would I refuse? AAAH! I don’t know. I just really don’t know is what it comes down to. Maybe if we got locked in a little shed somewhere for a long time, like for days, I would at one point kiss her just to try it out. That’s probably true, now that I think about it. Just because I was really bored. REALLY bored.

For now I guess I’ll just go and pace.

_ 20 August, 2020 _

I keep missing days! I’m so sorry, diary! Been hectic around here as you might expect. Promotions and so on. I’ve been nervous nonstop for upwards of 72 hours now. But I had to write about today because I’m so embarrassed and I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. 

So OK let me back up. Last year or something when we did that tour I told one of the managers that I didn’t like flying. I’ve never liked flying. I look out the weird plastic windows and see the ocean or something and it’s like I’m 100% sure the engines’ll fail and I’ll plummet to my death. But so the manager gave me a bottle of Ativan, which really is quite nice to have if you’re gonna be on a plane for twelve hours at a time. But anyway fast forward and I realize during these promotions I’ll have to be with Ryujin the whole day, no exceptions. I’m thinking: Yikes. So for the past few days I’ve been taking one of the tiny white tablets in the morning. It’s made it all a lot more tolerable. 

But today I discovered the downside.

So we were in one of those big dressing rooms (they look the same no matter where you are) and I was feeling woozy/dopey/drunk from the pill and she was over there splayed out on a big black couch like a ragdoll, all made up, dressed in the same schoolgirl outfit as the rest of us.  It looked to me like she was emanating a kind of heat. Hot! And so I went over to her and moved her legs out of the way so I could sit beside her. I don’t think she noticed me. And to reiterate: I wasn’t exactly in my right mind. So guess what I said to her! I said to her, “Ryujin, can I sit on your lap?”

And she was like, “What, why?”

“Is that so weird?”

“I mean, no?”

“So can I?”

“It’s not like I care.”

And then so even despite the Ativan my heart was going crazy. I sort of stood and smoothed my skirt down and sat right down on her lap. All this time I was thinking: this is a bad idea! But I did it anyway. I don’t know. Obviously we weren’t in a subway car under the sea but it really was a lot like that dream, except with the roles reversed. I’m sure my face was the color of a tomato, but she just looked at her phone.

At one point she said, “Are you like uncomfortable or something?”

I said, “It’s fine.”

And then she went, “Here,” and sort of pulled me into her body. I just about threw up. It was like the top of my head was under her chin. I was looking up at her. And I was about to say -- I don’t know. I don’t know what I was going to say. Something stupid. It was so much like that dream. And that really scared me I guess because I just sort of got up and sprinted to the bathroom. I could hear her going, “Yeji? Yeji?” But then I couldn’t hear her anymore.

I haven’t spoken to her since then. She’s in the room right now as I write this, but I haven’t said a word to her. I’m worried about the dreams I’ll have tonight. Maybe I’ll take another Ativan to help me sleep. Good night, diary.

_ 21 August, 2020 _

Been feeling kind of lonely lately. I don’t really know why. All these people around me but still I feel lonely.

I had a panic attack or something in a convenience store today. I went to the one down the block and picked up a little muffin and I was looking at it and looking at it and I said to myself: I don’t know where this muffin comes from. Probably someone or some machine had made it. But then I thought if a person made it then they probably didn’t know where all the ingredients had come from. And then I looked down at myself and realized that was true about everything I was wearing, including my makeup and deodorant and the soap I’d used. And when I realized this I couldn’t breathe and had to find somewhere to sit down for a few minutes. The muffin was pretty good. Blueberry.

Re: Ryujin, I still haven’t said anything to her. Probably she doesn’t think anything weird happened, but if I keep avoiding her she will. Maybe the thing with the muffin applies to her as well. I’ve known her for a long time but maybe I’ve never known where she comes from. Recently I can’t stop thinking about her. I think about her so much it really is like I have a crush.

Maybe I should try and get to know her better. In some ways I know her better than myself, but in others I don’t know her at all. The hard part’ll be finding time to be alone together. There’s so much happening. Right now I’m in bed writing this and she’s lying on her back on the floor. She says her back hurts. She’s wearing shorts and a t-shirt for pajamas. Her legs go on for miles. I could watch her for hours. At the moment I think I’d like to go lie beside her. Maybe hug her. But I obviously can’t do that. I’ve run out of requests for physical affection. What I’d give right now to touch someone, anyone, or to have them touch me. I don’t think I’ll be able to get to sleep.

This is what I’ll do: Tomorrow I’ll say to her, “Ryujin, wanna go on like a trip together? Just for an afternoon.” No, that’s not a good idea. I’ll say, “Wanna spend some time together?” That’s worse. “Wanna get something to eat?” That’s better. Yeah, I’ll say that. She won’t think that’s weird. That’s something a friend might say to another friend. Right? 

Then I’ll take her to that pizza restaurant and pay for her meal and tell her that I’ve been thinking a lot about her. I’ll tell her that I think I like her. That I LIKE like her. Oh god my skin is burning just thinking about it. But I think it’s true. I think that really is how I feel. I can’t remember the last time I really liked someone. When I think about her, when I picture her in my mind, it’s like someone’s put a pipe through my heart. I’ve never felt like that before. Ever. And when I tried to picture myself kissing her like in my dream there was more of the piercing sensation but also under all of it DESIRE, which was a scary thing to realize. 

So tomorrow I’ll tell her. Definitely. I have to. Even if she says she hates me it’ll be worth it to just get some of the nerves out. I hope she doesn’t say that. She probably will, but I hope she doesn’t. 

Here comes another pill.

_ 22 August, 2020 _

Don’t look at me like that, diary!

I chickened out. Sorry. I’ll tell you what happened: We had a busy schedule and only got back to the dorm at like 1 in the morning, which was a bad start. So then she was getting ready for bed and cleaning her face and stuff. The thing was, she had earbuds in. I could hear the weird old indie rock she’s into coming from them. I could make out the lyrics (in English): “She puts the weights into my little heart,” again and again and again and again. At this point my whole body was on fire. My face was itching from all the blood. And so then I realized that if I was going to get her attention, I’d have to tap her on the shoulder or something. And I couldn’t do that. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t face actually TOUCHING her.

Only a few days ago I literally grabbed her by the hand. I guess things change. She’s already asleep. I took another Ativan like ten minutes ago (probably I should stop) and I’m just waiting. I’ll have to take another shower, I think. A cold shower to get rid of all the heat.

There’s something very lonely about writing in a diary. The only one who knows about this identity crisis of mine, and CRISIS is definitely the right word, is you, diary. And you’re only paper. I guess it feels less real if it’s only in my head. I haven’t thought it all the way through. Even if things work out, the only other person who will know (hopefully) is her. I think even if she doesn’t say she hates me (and the odds are still low on that front) and she feels the same way, what if she doesn’t want all the secrecy? It’s all so crushing sometimes.

I’ll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow.

_ 23 August, 2020 _

Wow what a day! 

I finally did ask her out. Well, when I put it like that it sounds like it was a date. It wasn’t. Not really. Although to tell the truth when I asked her I almost did use the word “date.” I was so excited!

So anyway we went via train to the pizza place I had in mind. She was saying stuff about how she hadn’t been to a restaurant in so long, how she was excited to try this new place, but I couldn’t really focus. I was rehearsing in my head what I was going to say to her. In the restaurant it was us and maybe three other couples. OTHER couples! Listen to me! The whole place smelled like oils. I realized I wasn’t hungry at all, so I just ordered a soda. Ryujin got pasta. I was like biting my fingernails. I remember there was a fly buzzing all around us. I kept yelling at it, but Ryujin didn’t seem to mind. She just ignored it. But I couldn’t.

So finally when she was halfway through her meal I went like, “Ryujin?”

She said, “Yeah?” without looking at me.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Sure?”

At this point I was shaking. Like literally shaking.

I said, “I like you.”

“I like you, too.”

“No but listen -- I LIKE you. Please tell me you understand.” (Because if she hadn’t understood I would’ve thrown myself into traffic.)

She went, “Wait, really?”

And I nodded and went, “I think so. Yes. Yeah.”

She took a few bites from her pasta while my heart thumped and banged and wouldn’t stop. Then she stood up and -- we were sitting at a booth, by the way -- and she slid into my side of the booth. She got really close to me. She said, “Oh.” She was so close I could feel the heat of her body. She said, “So what do I do?”

I was like, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, how do you want me to respond?”

“Well, do you like me?”

“I guess I like you. I don’t know if I LIKE you, you know what I mean? I’m willing to try it out.”

Then she hugged me. She’s hugged me many times before but this one felt different for obvious reasons. Then she said, “So what if whenever we have some free time we go on a date?”

A date! She used the word date! I was thinking this had all gone better than expected. I nodded at her. We went back together, on the subway again. I was by that point totally exhausted. Talking with her in that context felt a little like drowning. In a good way, I mean. But I guess at some point I had to come up for air. 

Right now we’re in the same room again, in our beds stacked on top of each other. It’s a little strange. I’ve never been on a real date before. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do. She’ll help me out, I’m sure. She’s listening to me scratch these words into you, diary, and I’m sure she knows what I’m writing. I’m sure she knows what I’ll dream about. 

_ 24 August, 2020 _

Wow! Wow wow wow!

Well I’ll cut to chase, diary: we went on that date today. It’s all happening so quick! We had a few hours open today and although I was tired -- we had a pretty long practice-session earlier in the day -- when she said, “Hey, Yeji, about that thing we discussed earlier? What if we go do it right now?” all the energy came back to me like a bolt of lightning! We went on a walk along the river. It was really hot and the air-quality was bad but obviously I didn’t care. I didn’t know what to say to her. At one point she reached out and held my hand, which made walking a whole lot harder. Her hand was soaked like that day of the yoga class, but it didn’t bother me. 

She said to me, “It would be bad if someone saw us holding hands like this.”

I said, “We hold hands like this all the time.”

She said, “But like THIS, I mean. I’ve never done anything like this before. With anyone. Not even a boy.”

“Neither have I.”

“Have you always liked, you know, girls?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I’ve never had a lot of time to think about it.”

“Neither have I. It feels nice to hold your hand, though.”

We walked for maybe twenty minutes longer and then we found a bench beside the water. She let go of my hand. Really it was too hot to be outside -- or maybe that was just me. She said, “Don’t tell anyone about this.”

And I was like, “Are you embarrassed by me or something?”

She was like, “No, but you know what I mean.” And I nodded. I did know what she meant. (She didn’t have to bring it up on a first date, though.)

Then I was feeling sort of hazy from the sun and the excitement and so I said, “Hey, Ryujin?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you pet me?”

(I hadn’t thought about this in advance, needless to mention. I guess maybe part of me just always wanted it.)

“Pet you? What, like a dog?”

“My hair, I mean.”

“I guess so. Isn’t this a little forward?” But then before I could answer she sort of guided my head into her lap and then put her palm on my hot hair and pulled her fingers through it. It was slightly embarrassing, maybe, to be doing it public, but it felt very nice. When she was petting me my body felt like my own. Hers, too, but mostly my own. My skin felt real. Sometimes, like when I’m up on stage, my skin feels like plastic. But it all felt so sensual and real, I guess, when she was petting me.

Then she said, “Can I try something?”

I was like, “Sure.”

And she leaned down and kissed me! I was sort of too shocked to take in what it felt like, physically. I was thinking in the back of my mind that I was going to have to be the one to kiss her, but I guess not! She’s always been so much more confident than me. No one had ever kissed me before. Not like romantically, I mean. 

When she stopped she said, “Wow. Maybe I do like you.”

And I don’t have to tell you, diary, how that made me feel!

After that we went back and tried not to look guilty. 

But so all of which is to say: wow! Wow wow wow wow wow! As I write this she’s in the shower, but maybe when she gets out I’ll “try something”of my own.

_ 25 August, 2020 _

I’m in bed right now. She’s here beside me. She has just kissed me. And now

**And now I’ll always be a part of Yeji’s diary! You’re such a dork for having a diary, Yeji.**


End file.
